No words could ever make up for the things I have done. No excuse or story. I can only try my best to explain and hope that one day you’ll forgive me. You see I had a “bad” life. My hand was dealt wrong. I grew up with divorced parents, different schools. When I finally made it to Section High I knew I was home. I had fun those years. I had plans for college and life after school. I never wanted to stick around that small town. I was gonna be big! See it all! Travel and have drinks in coffee shops with new friends! But I done what a lot of high school girls do and got pregnant before graduation. This sending all my hopes and dreams to dust. But then there was you. You came along and changed everything. So beautiful and perfect. I loved you with all my heart. But I didn’t love our lifestyle. I didn’t like the nights alone and days alone. So I ran back to the only thing I knew. An old horrible flame which got you taken from me and I fought Adalynn. I fought so hard to get away and not let them take you. But I didn’t succeed. And when I finally got away it was too late. You hated me. Didn’t know who I was. Didn’t like being with me. You only wanted your dad and my mom. You started being trained to call Becca your mom and y’alls life together started and it’s just like she had birthed you herself. And of course I get no rights. To anything. I would get you and you would scream your heart out to go back to your dads. So I finally said go. I can’t make her be miserable. And it hurt me. God, it was a knife through the heart to let you choose at 3-4 years old to come see me or not. And now look. We live 6 hours away from each other and never speak. It was so hard to leave you there. But I had to get out. I had to leave Addie. Because I was never going to make anything for myself and I couldn’t have given you anything. So I hope that one day you understand and not listen to all the lies you’ve been told and I hope you choose me. Your mommy. Because I love you no matter what. Always and forever. I love you Big.

A letter from your Tattoo Artists wife…

Let’s walk through a regular tattoo appointment…

So you made an appointment for your new exciting tattoo! Now you’re pumped up and ready to get to it. So you go in and fill out your paperwork and get your stencil on. Your artist preps for the tattoo and calls you into the booth when he’s ready. You talk and are nervous. You’re artist talks with you and y’all have a good time because it’s their job to get your mind off of the pain in order to get it done. So it’s done, you pay and thank your artist and you leave.

Now, a behind the scenes look at what his wife sees. You call or come in and make an appointment and everything’s cool. But he has to leave his family late at night to do your tattoo. Maybe his family gets to come with him like we do, and we get there and you’re excited but you only spoke to the artist. You didn’t once glance at his wife or their children. Once he’s ready you go in the booth while she sits outside the booth and she hears EVERYTHING you two talk about. Including the inappropriate remarks that he may not notice but she sure did. Being his wife in his business, she can’t say anything to you because you are a paying customer and she doesn’t want to be the cause of his business failing because she said something to you for talking to her husband and making those comments. She also notices when she steps in to check on him and make sure he doesn’t need anything that you stop talking. And when she walked away she noticed you whispering. Don’t worry though, she heard him whispering too. She just blew it off because after all she chose to be with him knowing what his job consisted of. She’s becoming used to it, you might even say numb. So you’re done and you pay and thank him. She noticed the sly wink or tone of your voice when you told him thank you and that his work was amazing. And when you left she couldn’t help but think “am I overreacting for being so mad?” “Can I do this for much longer?” “I don’t think I can handle this.”

Please be considerate of the artists family when you get your tattoo. Include his wife if she is there. Let her know that she genuinely doesn’t have anything to worry about. Cover yourself up. You don’t have to take your shirt and bra off for a shoulder tattoo or a belly piercing.

I know I’ve heard the “I figured it’s his job you would be cool with naked women in the shop”

Well, yeah to an extent. But think about it from a woman and her point of view. Everyone is scared to lose their significant other and they are self degrading too. I don’t care if you admit it or not because I know we are. We are human. It’s what we do.

Also remember that when you continue to come in and do the same things over and over she does tell him. And he has to listen to her gripe about it but guess what. He’s not going to do anything about it or try to avoid those things because you are a PAYING customer.

So next time you go see your artist please remember that his wife may have her issues so it’s your job to make her know that you don’t want her man. Even if you do. Don’t split up a family.

Sincerely,

Your Tattoo Artists Wife.

Challenges

So it has been quite a while since I have written anything and it is because I have been so busy with work and trying to pull my relationship together. It is now Christmas time and my oldest child’s birthday… she is turning 3. ugh. I have been super stressed lately.. I have noticed that I have been worrying a lot about things that I can not control and that sucks ass. I have made a list of goals that I plan to achieve in this new year of 2017. These are just a few of them…

 

  1. Don’t be a bitch.
  2. Listen more.
  3. Don’t be so petty.
  4. Go back to school and finish basics.
  5. Get into RN school.
  6. Be in my home with Wayne, Dorian, Addie, and Noah.
  7. Don’t work so much.
  8. Make time for more family things.
  9. Save money.
  10. Chase after Wayne like I don’t want to lose him.

See, my issues here are that things are somewhat easy and somewhat hard. But, I know that 2017 will be different. I will make sure of that. This time next year, my kids will both be with me and they will have tons of Christmas and birthday presents. I also plan to write everyday. So, there will probably be more of my “can’t believe what happened today at work” posts. Enjoy.

“Bothering me” is an understatement

Why did things of the past have to happen? Why did I let things go this far? How could I put myself through something so critical that it determines the outcome of all relationships? Trust issues. Define that. Really, what is a “trust issue?” Is it having problems trusting someone? Is it being so self destructive and have anxiety so bad that you think constantly that someone isn’t doing you right? Or is it just sheer resilience? I assume it differs to everyone. I mean “to each his own” right? Okay let’s say you are on a boat. A brand new evinrude. It’s a perfect boat. It has all the latest GPS and thermometers. It is the best boat you’ve ever seen in your life! You take the boat on the lake and you get half way out in the lake and boom. No propulsion. Motor is out. No paddles. No life jacket. Noone around to hear you and no cell phone service. What do you do?  You try to crank it again, of course, because you don’t just give up without trying again. It cranks and you start out even further. Boom. Dead again. Great. Do you give up and jump ship then? No. You try to crank it again. It cranks. Old faithful. Now you have to decide. Okay, the first time wasn’t that bad. It malfunctioned, but it crank again and that was good. But now here I am further out in the water and it quits once again. Do I go further and risk drowning. Or do I turn back from where I came from and start over with a new boat. Surely a new one wouldn’t quit on me. That is what trust issues are. Something happens and you have to decide. Will it happen again? Do I stay to see if it will or do I turn back now?

The one who changed my life.

It’s 8:30 in the morning. I wake up and open my tired eyes only to see this amazing creature that suddenly warms my soul the moment I see him. As I lay in there in silence I wonder of all the things you could be dreaming up in that beautiful mind of yours. This has become a daily thing. Watching you sleep so peacefully sets my day in motion and I know that this is where I want to be for the rest of our days. I know that I am the really the only one that knows the real you.

I dread the moment I have to go into work because I know I’ll start to miss you and that forces my work day to become slower and longer. I often wonder if you’re thinking of me when I’m away. I wonder what you’re doing and if you’re okay. I worry that something has bothered you throughout your encounters with other humans and I can’t be there to suppress the hurt and anger. I can hardly wait to clock out and get home so you can tell me all about your day and watch you as you ramble on and on about the simplest things and I smile.

I thank God for waking me up this morning and for placing you in my life to be the person you are to me. I thank him for allowing myself and you to be happy after all the hurt and depression we have been through. You are truly a blessing to me and I am grateful for that.

You will never know the amount of love I have for you. I could not explain it if I tried. I do know I could tell you I loved you in every sentence I speak and at the end of the day it still wouldn’t be enough. I never would have thought I could feel this way about someone after the events that taken place in my life happened, but I do. I wouldn’t change that for the world. Thank you for all that you do. You have changed my life and myself into something I am proud of. You have fixed so many wounds and you don’t even know it.

I love you..

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Being a Mom/Dad

The day I became a mother was the most amazing day of my life. The thought of growing a tiny human was fascinating. What will he or she look like? Will they be a good person? How will they see the world? and most of all when will he or she be born? Most people put me down so much for being pregnant at 17. I didn’t care though. It was my choice and I was going to embrace it. I freaked a little when I first found out.. but i got through it. Pregnancy was awful and beautiful at the same time. Labor was a breeze and then I had my second one and it was just as great. I had to learn to be a awesome mom while also being an amazing father. It gets really hard at times. I often wonder what questions I will be asked when my babies get older. I’m scared of the things I will have to tell them. What if my advice isn’t good advice? I hope and pray that God gives me the words I need to get them through hard times. I will have to teach my son boy things while trying to teach my daughter girl things. They will have good taste in foods and clothes. They will know right from wrong and they will know that I tried my best to do everything I could to get them the things they needed and want. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see the new me and not the old me that I once was when I didn’t have them. I want my kids to be able to come to me with any issue they have… I want them to trust me. I want everything for my kids…

To the boy who drove me to the perfect man..

I thought you were the one in the beginning. You were older, fun, and dangerous. You told me everything I wanted to hear. You had a truck and told me I was beautiful in my sweats and horrible black rainboots that sounded like thunder everytime I walked. I was thrilled at the thought of you wanting me. I would stay up until 5 a.m. Talking to you even though I had school in an 2 hours. The day we became “official” I was so excited. And at that very moment I thought we’d be together forever. We went on walks and trips and snuck out every chance we could. It was fun. But then you started hating my friends and demanding my attention every second of the day. I couldn’t focus on my school work because you were texting me in class. I failed tests because of you. I got bad grades because of you and all because I thought I had to answer to you. I was 14. I threw my life away for you. It didn’t matter to me at the time. I was blinded by you. You were the “best” thing to happen to me when I was 14. Atleast I thought. We started arguing atleast 16 hours out of the day. But still I allowed you to make me think it was my fault. I allowed you to get into my head and destroy the good things about me. I let you push me over and I lost friends over it. Really good friends who had always been there for me when you would blame me and I would cry and cut myself. You damaged my thought process. Fast forward 7 years later.. I had 2 kids by 2 different people and we were married and you still used that against me. Like my children were a burden to you. You blamed me for losing our child. You said if I would have stayed with you and not went to school or anything that I wouldn’t have lost it. But you were wrong. It wasn’t my fault I lost it. It was yours. Eventually you started being not only emotionally and mentally abusive but physically. I’ll never forget that night. You got mad because you threw a dip can at me and I tossed it back. You pinned me against the wall by my throat and I couldn’t breathe. Then you threw me on our bed and I tried to get away and you grabbed my ankles and started hitting me. Everytime I would move up the bed you’d drag me back to where you could reach me. Then a diaper bag at my head which tore the tendons in my neck. Next was the punches to my face and stomach. Then the picking me up and throwing me out of the front door, kicking my almost lifeless body off the front porch that was 5ft tall. Standing over me yelling about how I’m a “whore” “bitch” and “useless.” I laid there still thinking if I can just get through this we will be fine and you would go back to loving me again. I blamed myself for that. I told the people at the hospital I had a four wheeler wreck. They knew I was lying. Then you made me feel guilty about everything. How I pushed you over the edge and made you beat me. After that came the biting. You ripped my ear by biting it and yanking. That took 7 stitches by the way. The day I left I remember like it was yesterday. I told you I couldn’t handle this anymore and that I wasn’t strong enough to be with you. That’s when I started to pack and you started throwing things at me. At first it was clothes and pictures and that turned into speakers, cd player, my t.v., my metal filing cabinet, and then arrows and knives. Not to mention you choking me and hitting me. I still blamed myself. How could I be so stupid? My kids were in the opposite room hearing my screams and I could hear theirs.. I got a few good hits in on you and I broke free. But by the time I got to my kids you tackled me out of the front door once again. I got to the truck and you pushed me to the ground and started to hit me. That’s when I yelled at you to stop and you snapped out of your madness the moment I said ” please, let me call Addie’s dad to come get the kids and once my kids are gone you can beat me until I’m dead. Just please let my kids leave first.”  That’s when you laid on me and tried to hold me telling me you were sorry and you didn’t mean it. The whole time I was yelling don’t touch me and pushing you away. But I had no strength left. I was tired. I really don’t know how I made it that day. I’m lucky to be alive. Noone really knows any of this in detail I haven’t ever told them. Now… because of you I have left. I have made a new me. And I have met my knight in shining armor. The one who protects me and never does me wrong. Never raises a hand to me or even attempts to raise his voice. I’m sure he would thank you for doing all you did and pushing me to leave. Because now he can also be happy and have me. Just so you know he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He’s amazing, damn sexy, a good person and has the most beautiful heart I’ve ever seen in my life. I can truly say that I love him without second guessing myself. I can wake up next to him in the mornings knowing he loves me. Knowing I don’t have to worry about anything he does. Knowing that he is mine and I am his. We were made for each other and even though it took us a long time to find one another the only thing that matters is we did and we are perfect. We are happy. So thank you for all the horrible things you did. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to not be in love. And for showing me that you were not mine. Thank you…

First blog… ever.

To write or not to write

I’ve always had a thing for writing… I just don’t like the writing part, I’d rather type it. I have a ton of thoughts that I’d like to write down but I never knew how to put them into words. So what do I plan to write about in this “blog”? Everything. Everyday. Every thought that I can’t say out loud. I am going to use it as an expression of how I feel to the world instead of to the people around me. By the way the grammar and punctuations won’t be right but I don’t care. This is my blog and I’ll write how I want. Also, it will probably be profanity and random wierdness. So enjoy. Haha